Posted by: Anonymous Me | March 7, 2011

Don’t You Cry…Or An Ode To My Mom

Do you ever start crying for no discernible reason??…When you’re *not* on your period?? I tear up over lots of stuff…but to be full on sobbing doesn’t happen to me very often. Well, it *is* what happened to me all day today, and I have no idea why. I have some idea, but not really. You see a song popped into my head that I probably haven’t thought of for 20 years, and it took me immediately into the ugly cry which lasted for two hours, plus two hours now. What I don’t know is why that song even came into my head. I was actually feeling quite upbeat this morning thinking of how the days are getting longer and there’s been more sun than clouds. I was listening to songs about spring and summer and drinking tea. And all the sudden…BAM!!…in pops this to my brain:

Cue the heavy sobs and box of kleenex.

While I have no idea why this song came into my head, I definitely know why this song and the movie go straight to my heart. I have mentioned in the past that I struggle with depression and self-esteem issues. That isn’t quite true. The truth is I struggle with those A LOT…And by a lot I mean daily, on some level or another, for the past 20+ years. My self-esteem is MUCH better than it used to be, but it’s still not great. The shadow recedes sometimes but never fades completely. Anyhoo…I know I am a pretty quirky person and that the way my mind works is way in the outfield compared to most of the people I know and have met. I have often throughout my life felt like other people find me ridiculous. Maybe sweet and ridiculous. Or witty and ridiculous. Or smart and ridiculous. Or crazy and ridiculous. But always ridiculous. Please know that me saying these things: I have depression. I have self-esteem issues. I often feel ridiculous…is not a slightly veiled attempt to fish for compliments or reassurance or anything like that. These are just facts of *my* life. Just like as if I said I am of average height. Fact. I am female. Fact. Also, I know though my perceptions of people’s opinions of me includes ridiculousness, their actual opinions may be nothing of the sort. I fully acknowledge that. I am very different from most of the people in my family. I am super spazzy/all over the place/feisty, and most everyone else is super laid back/mellow/nonconfrontational, none more so than my mom. She’s made a lot of effort to try and understand me and where I’m coming from and adapt to that, and I have done the same for her. It took many, many years, but we finally got to a place of mutual admiration and same-page-ness…something that only gets stronger as time goes by. And while I feel like a -15 all day every day, she sees a 10 no matter what…and that just breaks my heart, but in a good way. I think that’s why watching the movie clip and hearing the song puts me in the ugly cry. She’s got a great view of the forest while I am perpetually trapped on this one damn tree. And I love her all the more for it.

SO, I probably could have been much more concise on this, but y’all know I love me a scenic route. πŸ™‚ All I really should have is: Mom, I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I am so thankful you were/are the mother I needed and not necessarily the mother I wanted. Thank you so much for making the effort and thinking I’m worth the effort…because not everyone does. You are SO my #1 all day long! Where I see a dark night, you behold a shining star. Thank you for seeing what I cannot. Given how I feel about myself, that you not only love me but think I’m great just how I am is pretty much a miracle. “You’re so precious to me, sweet as can be…”

Emotionally,

Me

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Responses

  1. When I pulled the blanket back and saw your sweet face (and the hair) I knew we would be best buds forever. You are the sweetest person and thoughtful and kind and lots of fun. The best daughter I could ever imagine. You are complicated but in an interesting way. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. I hope other’s who know and love you appreciate how sweet and kind and smart you are. I am very proud of you and hope you will always enjoy life to the fullest. You are my hero and you do things that I could only dream about. Stop crying now and study…………Love Mom (Now Dumbo has me crying) Too touching.

  2. Awwwwwwwwww….. big hugs friend!

    • Thanks, girlie! I’m so glad we’re peeps! πŸ™‚

  3. Aww. I’d give you a hug right now if I could. I guess I’ll have to settle for a virtual hug, then. πŸ™‚

    This is such a great post, and an even better read. And there’s nothing wrong with taking the scenic route, especially with such an emotional and personal topic.

    You keep your chin up now, dear. You are awesome just the way you are. πŸ˜€

    • Awww! Thanks, sweet pea! I appreciate your comment! πŸ™‚

  4. Reading this totally made me cry. I love that Dumbo song! I used to sing it to Ri-Ri and J and it brings me to tears almost every time I hear it (in a good way though)…BTW, I love your quirkiness, you are incredibly smart and as I think I have said to you before, I truly look up to you as one of the strongest women I know, your not afraid to do anything! No matter what obstacle or opinion is thrown your way, you are true to yourself and you follow a path you believe is best. You can also rock a pair of heels like no other and I have always been jealous of your hair (ever since we were little and I had that stupid chili bowl haircut)…Love ya cuz!

    • Aww! Thank you so much for this super sweet comment! I so appreciate it!!! πŸ™‚ Love you much!! πŸ™‚

  5. I totally agree with LINZ . I love you just the way you are and I am proud of you for always wanting to challenge yourself, to not just accept things but to find out for yourself what is. To find your truth and not be afraid to live it. Keep up the good work. I so enjoy reading your posts. You are talented beyond words. Love you. Aunt d

    • Thank you so much for your sweet comment!!! I SO appreciate your encouragement and support! πŸ™‚


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