Now that I’ve given you the back story, I guess I should get you caught up on current events. I left for Edinburgh last week. The packing process was quite hilarious. I was soooo tired from no sleep that I would pack a few things, and then stare off into space for a while. Pack, space out, repeat.
I got as much packed as my suitcases and the TSA would allow. My dad, brother, and I headed to the airport to drop my cats and me off. For anyone who ever tries to send animals overseas….Holy crap!!! Be SOOO prepared and on top of your stuff!!! They require a ridiculous amount of documentation. And surprise of all surprises, the people on the phone have probably not told you everything.
Anyhoo…so, despite several days of no sleep, I said goodbye to my family without shedding any tears. This borders on the miraculous as I tend to be an emotional person. (Confession: I’ve been known to tear up over points scored at the last minute to win the game, soap operas, and that friggin’ ASPCA commercial with the Sarah MacLachlan song!) Anyhoo…so I made in on the plane with dry eyes. The flight from my hometown to the east coast was uneventful. I slept most of the way, thank God! It was when we landed on the east coast to switch planes that things got interesting.
So…I get off the plane to wander around and forage for food. There were only a few places open, so I decided to go for the healthiest option. I am standing there pondering the menu, when this guy approaches me and asks me where I am going. I tell him, and he mentions there’s a diner around the corner that might be open and it serves drinks. Maybe we should get a drink?
Umm…k. He walks off, and I order a tuna sandwich and a yogurt parfait. He walks back and says the diner is indeed opened, but awwww I’ve already ordered. He then walks off. As I am eating, it dawns on me…That was trying to pick me up….at an airport…during a layover. Seriously?? I can’t get a guy at bar to give me a second glance, but I am at a deserted food court in an airport and some guy materializes out of the woodwork to buy me drinks???
Anyhoo…It is at this point that I have my second revelation:
The key to world domination is knee high boots.
You see, I had decided that I was going to enter this wonderful new phase in my life looking as smokin’ hot as possible to given that I would be experiencing a 30-40 degree change in weather between my place of departure and my place of arrival. I opted for jeans, knee high boots (that I’d only ever worn while strutting around my room), a tank top, and a turtleneck in my bag to put on before we landed. I wore flats going through the security checkpoint and put the boots on before I walked to the gate. I took one step and realized that these boots were enormously uncomfortable. I almost caved and put the flats back on. What kept me strong was the flashback to the time I was in JFK airport in New York on the way back from Africa (for pete’s sake!) when I saw a girl I went to high school with, and the time I came back from travelling for my birthday, looked like total crap, was in a baggage claim area that could fit in my mom’s living room, and saw my ex-boyfriend I hadn’t seen in 5 years. My point is, you never know when Universe is going to get all “It’s a Small World” on you, so you might as well be prepared.
Anyhoo…so I after I finish eating, I go back to the gate to board the plane. As luck would have it, I am on the very last row right next to the bathroom. (Always enjoyable.) There is a very nice couple sitting next to me. We are getting settled in as the plane prepares to leave the gate, when we hear yelling from a few rows in front of us. It is a mother and a son from England making no effort to lower their voices. (My mother would have been mortified!) The mother tells the son that he will be grounded when they get home, and he won’t be able to do anything. His response, “I’m not bothered.” (Meaning I don’t care.) She tells him that if he doesn’t shut up she’s going to hit him in the mouth. “You won’t hit me.” “Who won’t hit you???” the mother says. “You won’t.” Famous last words. (Side note: guys, never, ever challenge a woman when she’s mad. No matter how outside the realm of normal behavior what you’ve just said she won’t do is, she will do it just to prove a point.) “I won’t, will I??” she says and walks over to where he’s sittig and hits him in the face twice. Everyone around them has that sort of frozen, deer in the headlights look that comes with socially awkward situations.
“You just wait until we get home to see what happens. You are a horrible, horrible boy!” OMG, y’all!!! It felt like the Jerry Springer show except there was no Steve Wilkos to pull the aggrieved parties apart. Do we call a flight attendant, pull the woman back to her row, and tell her that only she has the power to break the cycle of violence?? It was like being on an episode of “What Would You Do?” with John Quiñones, and we were the uncomfortable people being interviewed afterwards about why they didn’t do anything. ☹
And this was all before we left the gate!! Thankfully, the mother and son retreated to their own corner (they were on separate rows), and all was quiet for the rest of the flight. Amen! I don’t think any of us wanted to feel any moral responsibility if she didn’t stop and beat the kid to a bloody pulp! Although, I do wonder if she did indeed bring the pain when they got home like she promised. I am sure that poor boy is a wife beater in the making.
In other news, I made it to Edinburgh safely! ☺
If you take away anything from this post, it should be:
~ Violence is not the answer.
~ Cheese is a gift from the gods.
~ Knee high boots: Resistance is futile. (But don’t wear them every day, or they will lose their power.)